I've meditated before, but I would say I'm not much of a fan. I could say it is because I can't get comfortable, I don't have the time, or my dogs lick my face when I'm trying to count my 6 second inhale and exhale, but really I'm avoiding the unknown. I don't want to sit with my thoughts, they are already the soundtrack to every moment of my life. My mind is scared of what might be revealed, but my heart is begging for me to pop a squat.
To kick off this journey inward, I decided to treat myself to a buckwheat meditation cushion. I was going to run out to the store to buy a pretty one, but thought I would save some time and gas money by ordering it online. This online search was also a way to procrastinate on some priorities. Choosing a filler and color for a meditation cushion is a life changing event and deserves an hour on a Sunday afternoon when I should be weeding my veggie garden or lesson planning for my classroom. After all, meditation is going to rock my world and change my life, or that is what I keep reading in self-help books and hearing on talk shows and the yoga studio. My thought was that the color of the pillow would determine the intensity of the transformation but this is just a thought that has no valid source except for my critic.
My inner critic is a constant in my life that needs a name. If people name their cars, I feel I should name the mind-made entity that I have given birth to in my mind and has been the ring leader in so many life decisions and indecisions. The first name that comes to mind is Barthalimule. Since I can't even spell it, I'm not feeling the energy of that, so I will wait for my time on the buckwheat to process it further. Stay tuned!
I finally decided on a Zafu Round Meditation Cushion with buckwheat filling in purple. I hesitated on the purple. It first spoke to me because I recently heard on an episode of Oprah that purple is the color of hope and represents our true-self and authentic potential. The hesitation came from the childhood wardrobe of pink and purple that I shared with my sister. I have a distinct memory of my sister and I dressed in overall shorts with 80s flared bangs, one pink and one purple. It was the closest my mom got to dressing us in matching outfits while still honoring our individuality. Not sure how much autonomy I had at six years of age since she chose the colors. I recall my favorite color as always being brown, but that memory only goes back to high school. Despite my history with purple, it has been growing on me the past few weeks, so I tossed it in my cyber shopping cart and expect a package on my doorstep between May 27th-June 2nd.
The cushion is supposed to provide a firm but comfortable mound to support longer meditations. I'm hoping this will help me meditate longer than the time it takes me to actually get comfortable. My plan of action is to meditate daily. I've considered setting the goal of five minute meditations, morning meditations, meditations with pre-determined intentions, but all these rules felt to formulaic.
One of my purposes for this meditation project is to simply tune into what I need and want in the present moment. I'm very aware of the fact that I consistently live in the future. I'm already thinking about what I'm going to eat for dinner tomorrow. While visiting a ranch in California last week, I walked around planning my wedding on the property. I've postponed the event for a few years because I don't even currently have the lucky man in my life. Saying I will need to meditate for five minutes every morning is just perpetuating this future thinking. The plan is to wing it by doing my best to listen to my heart by turning off the critic that might throw a tantrum or two because I'm not free to play while I'm perched on my buckwheat.
One thing I am committing to is 365 days of meditation, whatever that means on that day, in that moment. I'll be documenting my journey here, so please join in with your own comments, encouragement, and perhaps your own buckwheat cushion under your bum.
